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The
Alarm Clock of Your Life is Ringing
Chapter 7
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| PARENTING |
Kids
learn what they live. If you and your
significant other treat one another with
disrespect, you are teaching the kids to
do the same. Not only will they
disrespect you, but they most likely
will disrespect others in their lives.
Without realizing it, you are setting an
example for them to model their future
relationships. Are you teaching them
about healthy, loving relationships, or
are you adding to their dysfunction?
It is recommended that when parents have
difficulty with one of their kids, they
should be in agreement with how to deal
with the child's situation. When a
parent negates another parent's
decision, it allows the child to create
a separation in the relationship.
It is one thing to discuss a decision
with your partner and decide to change
your opinion and follow a different
course of action. It is another to
overrule your spouse or partner in the
child's favor, especially in front of
the child. Again, agree on the balance
point between you and your partner and
then move forward with your decision
together. This way, you are supportive
of each other and clear about what you
want your kids to do.
Children can also be manipulative and
play each parent against the other. This
may be hard to believe of our sweet
angels, yet it can happen.
When you are angry with your partner, do
not complain, make snide comments, or
name call (even under your breath) in
front of the kids. It is better to keep
those words of frustration to yourself
at that moment, and verbalize your anger
through sound to avoid the hurtful and
damaging messages you are sending to the
kids about your spouse/partner. You can
teach them an alternative way to deal
with their own frustrations.
• Children live what they learn, so
teach them a new way to build
self-esteem and respect.
• Children want to be heard. The
more you listen to them, the more they
will listen to you. This builds a
mutual respect.
• Minimize yelling. Blow off steam
first through verbalizing your
emotions (grrrrrrrrr)-then, as calmly
as possible, find out what's going on
and how you can negotiate to meet
everyone's needs.
• Acknowledge your children. When
they listen, behave well, and handle
emotional outbursts well - thank them,
hug them, and encourage them.
• Talk with your children. Ask them
about their day at school. Ask them
what was fun, what wasn't, and why.
Let them know it is okay to be afraid
or angry, but explain that they don't
have to use angry words or actions,
which may hurt others. They can also
share in growling like a bear (gggrrrrrrrrrr)
to release their own frustrations and
anger.
• Allow children to make choices as
much as possible so they feel they
have some control of their own lives.
Explain the pros and cons of each
choice. Making choices helps children
build self-esteem.
Children oftentimes create masks. Many
are taught to push all vulnerable
feelings of pain and loneliness deep
into themselves. As a result, many
children feel angry and frustrated.
Ironically, we teach children,
especially boys, not to discuss their
feelings.
Boys want to cry, too. But instead of
shedding tears, they vent with bursts of
anger if they have been taught to hide
their emotions. Behind the anger is
usually a nice kid who is feeling hurt
and is filled with sadness. Most kids,
just like adults, try to forget about
the pain and push it aside. Boys,
especially, don't allow their feelings
to show when they are sad. Consequently,
they may be acting out because there
seems to be no other way to express
themselves or gain attention. On the
same hand, when they get angry, we
punish them for bad behavior. With freer
expression of those feelings, we find
more caring, less frustrated children.
In a common scenario, Dad says, 'stop
being a baby.' This attitude creates
more hidden feelings in the child. As a
result, Dad becomes more disconnected
from the children, and the kids hold
back more feelings. This issue further
compounds by teaching children to
"not express what you feel."
In reality, a good cry might be needed
to provide the emotional release
necessary to feel better. Crying can
open up space for the parents to nurture
their kids, and create a greater
bond-rather than separating and
furthering the child's fears that they
are not doing well enough in their
parent's eyes.
Teaching kids to shut down emotionally
is not the way to show them how to
create a happy, healthy life and one
that filled with honesty and integrity.
Encouraging children to express their
feelings creates more caring and
compassionate young adults. Sound is a
way to bridge the gap between expressing
feelings without having to act out
negative feelings. Better to roar like a
bear or cry, than to get into a
fistfight at school and act out the
anger. Encourage your children to
express their anger or frustration (grrrrrrrrr)!!!
It may be just momentary, or for minutes
at a time-however long it takes for the
anger to subside.
Tell your kids you love them. Spend time
and do activities together. Provide a
safe place for free expression. Lead by
example-use sound to minimize hurtful
words, avoid shaming language, share
your feelings, and create a bond. Kids'
lives give us a wakeup call. Look within
your own home and at your own children
and determine where you can improve.
When you fear as a parent that you have
acted wrongly towards your children, you
can sometimes begin to recognize a
pattern by how your kids respond. If
parents explore behavior of how they
were raised, they may understand how to
avoid the same patterns with their own
children. By looking at this pattern,
you may find that you are probably
behaving the same way with your own kids
in one way or another. Be willing to
look inside. See how you really are.
Vibrate how it feels, especially if it
feels awful. By accepting this unhealthy
pattern, you can transform your guilty
feelings. You will be able to better
determine if you have been making
decisions based on guilt, and adjust
your choices and actions to be more
balanced. |
LEADING BY EXAMPLE
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Life
is a mirror, offering an opportunity to
understand yourself. When you are not at
peace, not flowing, and feeling
unbalanced in an area, it will continue
to be reflected to you until that area
becomes fully expressed and accepted.
Once you take the time to feel and
understand the difficult areas, they
will be healed, or in alignment with the
rest of you. Those areas will be added
to your consciousness, connecting you,
and increasing self-understanding. Often
issues have many layers. Don't be
surprised if you have to visit the same
issue more than once.
Oftentimes, we don't explore our fears
because we are afraid of what they might
really be revealing. By accepting our
feelings, guilt moves out, and the space
becomes filled with self-love. Guilt and
love are not the same thing. Guilt says
you aren't doing enough. Love says you
are doing the best you can.
Let's start to heal with our kids. Many
of us are experiencing a crisis with
non-acceptance and expression of
feelings. Aggressive feelings have no
other way to move in our society, other
than through violence, or hurtful words.
Showing vulnerable feelings has
typically left children open for attack.
You can provide an environment where it
is safe to open up.
My suggestion is to encourage expressing
feelings and sharing feelings within
your family. You have to lead by
example. If you normally do not express
much in the way of sharing personal
feelings with your kids and family, you
will need to learn.
Sharing yourself can leave you feeling
vulnerable and scared, which is what
most of us feel beneath the anger. By
opening up in these ways and speaking
from your heart, you will open a
different line of communication. Lead
the way by showing it is okay to feel
and talk about these emotions.
Being supportive of what your kids
disclose is important. It is also
important to listen carefully to what
they are saying and to identify their
areas of pain and difficulty. Sometimes
it is just easier to cry with them. You
might not even need words.
Expression of feelings will take many
forms in the beginning since it may be a
new concept to many people. However,
expression of feelings is necessary in
order to heal. The road to healing is
being able to be honest and spontaneous
with your feelings in each moment and
allow them to come forward as they need
to be expressed. Your feelings will give
you a response or guidance to let you
know more about your experience.
By going through this process of
acceptance and expression of feelings,
it is also a waking-up process and
connects you with your higher self and
God. The more we can be ourselves, the
more we feel connected to the life
force. The more connected we are, the
more at ease and at peace we are, yet
the more awake and conscious we become.
It is a very powerful circle. |
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Author
: Lisa Miller
ISBN: 0-9706092-1-3
$12.95 U.S / $18.95 Canada
Paperback / Non-Fiction
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Published
By:
Lady Bug Publishing Corporation
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Ordering
Information:
Availalable at bookstores
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Distributed
by Biblio (NBN)
1-800-462-6420
or
Lady Bug Publishing Corporation
P.O. Box 3778
Scottsdale, AZ 85271
Phone: 480-833-1111
Fax: 480-833-2215
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